Fasten your seatbelts boys, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

To my dear, dear friends,

I am grateful beyond words for the love and support you have given me during this time of trial I have been experiencing. And I thank you in advance for what is about to come.

As many of you know, I have been in the pre-thinking about thinking about maybe dating phase for a couple of months. Uncertain of how long this phase should or would take, I just flowed along, as I usually do.

So here comes the reason I write- There is this boy (it always begins with a boy.) I believe I have mentioned Jason to almost all of you. And I know you have seen him- he is the cute blonde haired, blue eyed boy (yes, yes I play to type!) that appears in my pictures from fall semester.

ok- so I met him the very first week of classes and he caught my eye but I thought he was too young to actually consider (not age appropriate.) We always get along famously, and did I mention he is cute?

So, as it turns out he just makes the cut for age appropriate (14 years- which is less than the well established guidelines of 15 years). He is smart, and kind and kinda dotes on me (in a very appropriate kinda way.)

So, last night I was at game night at my friend Mark's place and it turns out that Jason is Mark's roommate. So it was all good and fun and all that and at the end of the evening after some folks had left and we were just chillin, he sat on the couch right next to me and was sending off the typical, 'I like you so I'll playfully tap your leg when you say something funny' kind of signals. At this point he thinks I am married, so it was well within respectable boundaries- how many times can I use 'appropriate' in one letter? And then the subject of nature of my marriage came up, so I told them (the few folks still hanging) the whole story.

So then it becomes apparent to me (I hope? Could I have imagined it?) that Jason now realizes that I might actually be available. When we hugged goodnight, I realized that he has a smokin' hot, solid body!

So, he is way too young to marry. And I **refuse** to marry the first guy I date this time. (I'm gonna come up with all new mistakes for the next time.) But he is kind, and I think would be really gentle with my fragile ego and heart. and did I mention the smokin hot body?? The one I have been thinking about all day? I actually have feelings (read: horniness) stirring for the first time in almost two years.

So it is either this, or I take a vow of celibacy and become a 'Bride of Christ' and live happily ever after with my cats. Either plan works for me.

::ducks and prepares for reaction::
what are your thoughts?

the first change in phases

When I finally decided to remove my head from the sand, I found myself in seminary filled with students with an average age of 28 and 60% of them married. What the heck was I thinking?? Yes, I know I came here for an education, but a girl has to have her fun at the same time too, right?

Right around New Years I decided to change phases: from “pre-thinking about thinking about dating” to “thinking about dating.” Why I chose that moment, I have no idea as it filled me with so much fear about the whole New Years kiss. I had visions of “When Harry Met Sally” running through my head, picturing the awkwardness that my change in phases created. (and yes, I constantly have clips of movies and tv shows running through my head in the background.) As it turned out, New Years Eve was a wonderful evening spent with friends and there was no awkwardness about kissing. phew- dodged that bullet.

As a woman with an active imagination, I decided that I needed to find an object of affection to daydream about. After careful (??) consideration, I selected an attractive seminarian who exactly fit my “type,” and was of a barely appropriate age. In order to avoid the pitfalls I have made in the past, I consulted my council of wise women. What follows is our correspondence.

Once upon a time...

We’ll start at the beginning, because that is always the best place to start… wait, ok- perhaps we should start at the beginning of this adventure…..

In 2005, I married the love of my life and became the fairytale princess of my own story. I had the most perfect pretty, pretty princess wedding. I lived on a 66 acre horse farm in the heart of Maryland horse country. I fox chased and went to steeplechase races and white tie balls. I was living the life I dreamed of as little girl playing with my Barbie dolls.

But like all fairytales, this story took a turn for the worse. I was struck down with Lyme Disease and was bedridden for a year and half. While bedridden I became a walking cliché- my husband cheated on me, with a girl exactly half his age, who was my good friend. In fact, she was more like my niece- I had known her since she was 15, and cared about her like she was my own family; I even allowed her to live with me when she came home from college on breaks. In hindsight, that was not such a great idea.

Devastated, I needed to breakaway, to start fresh. I decided to follow a lifelong dream to study religion at the graduate level. I left Maryland behind and set forth for Atlanta, Georgia and seminary.

My first semester I hid behind the technicality that I was married and just like the ostrich, buried my head deep in the sand and tried to not think about the significance of the situation that is my love life. But after a few months I decided to enter the “pre-thinking about thinking about dating phase.” I was very cautious about this as last time I fell into marriage too quickly.

Yes, I have the nasty habit of getting married. My favorite personal quote: “weddings are fabulous, I recommend having several.” I am currently in my second legal marriage (don’t get me started on the non-legal ones.) I went on my first date with my second husband the day after my first husband moved out. I had intended to take six months for myself before re-entering the dating world. However my friend Pattie had other plans and shoved me right into the deep end before I could even gasp for air. As I lay in the arms of my dream man, living my dream life, watching movies like “Under the Tuscan Sun” or “Must Love Dogs,” I thanked my lucky stars for not having to go through that. Diane Lane’s fictional characters imbued me with simultaneous fear and gratitude. I knew that I had dodged a bullet through Pattie's intervention in my love life, thereby allowing me to avoid the whole dating thing.

Yes, it is movies about the attractive, yet scorned, middle-age divorcee that rack me with fear.

Hence, the “pre-thinking about thinking about dating” phase. I spoke ad nauseum to my girlfriends about my concerns and fears. In the last fifteen years I had only kissed three fellas and I had been married to two of them. How was I going to date?? I was never good at dating to begin with- I spent more time chasing them than catching them. I tended to fall too quickly, both in and out of attraction. Love is a wild and wonderful roller coaster; I enjoy every climb, every loopty loop and every drop. But now I am approaching 40, is all this juvenile behavior still appropriate?