The Law of Unintended Consequences

When catching my friend Mike up to speed, he pointed out that by proclaiming my desire to shave my head and become a Buddhist nun, I have exponentially increased my attractiveness to men.

did you all hear that sound? yeah, that was me falling on my face *splat*.

yeah- just got the text message (a long one) that included "ur friend."

Oh well, I had no business trying to play with a 24 year old anyway.

So I have decided to return to the thinking about thinking about dating stage. I'm also considering shaving my head and joining a Buddhist monastery; I like that option the best.

My ego is bruised but I took the shot at least.

I love all of you. Thank you for joining me on my journey to middle school; I now remember why I hated it. If I try to behave this way again, I hope at least one of you will smack me over the head.

Thank you for your love and support,

Cougar Smurf

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

[editor’s note: friendship with Jason survived this temporary craziness unscathed.]

just when we think we can completely discount our horoscopes

today’s horoscope:

You can feel like an outsider this week until Saturday night when the Moon leaves your secretive 12th House and rockets into your exuberant sign. Playing it cool is unlikely as you express your feelings without reservation. Your honesty could scare off an insecure individual, so you might want to tone things down if you want to make or keep a connection with someone a little less outgoing than you.

hmmm.... maybe I should have read this before Cougar Smurf went on the prowl via text message. doh!

waiting, not chasing

Penelope and Savannah chatted with me and helped me feel better. Plans were schemed and scrapped. Savannah, wisely, reminded me to not chase boys but to let them come to me. I was left on my own to wait and see what developed.

The afternoon passed into the evening and still no reply from Jason. The longer I waited, the more my mind raced. What did I do?? I sent a suggestive text message to a classmate! Then, to make matters worse, behaving like I was back in Middle School all day just adds insult to injury. I barley stopped short of passing a him a note saying, "If you like me check yes or no." I know, I know. pitiful.

I was grateful when Colette called to see if I wanted to go temple with her. I heartily accepted, grateful for the respite from my overactive mind. As luck would have it, traffic prevented us from making it to temple on time, so we bagged that plan and dined on Thai food instead. Our conversation included Colette sharing her dating woes with me… I thought to myself, “She is so young, smart and beautiful and is having all this bad luck; what hope is there for me to survive dating?”

The evening ended early with me seriously considering entering a Buddhist monastery and avoiding this whole, painful, awkward dating thing. We'll see. There might still be a chance. But I'm thinking if he was interested, I would know by now. I just hope that he'll still look me in the eye.

Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.


 

So you thought you left middle school? you obviously were mistaken.

I woke the next morning hoping to find a text from Jason waiting for me on my phone. My heart leapt momentarily when I saw that he responded… until I read what he wrote:

& completely disregard a prior commitment!?! :-)

I desperately tried calling Savannah, but she was still asleep from our marathon late night chat. So I called my friend Steve to try to figure out how to respond. Steve is one of my best guy friends and about the same age as Jason, so I thought he would be a good resource to guide me through this tricky situation.

After updating Steve on the situation, he decided that I should respond:

Another time then…. :-)

That was the best we could come up with spur of the moment while I was freaking out and using that high-pitched girl voice. (In my defense, it has been a LONG time since I flirted for-real… Innocent, I’m in a committed relationship but still like to flirt flirting does not count; there are no consequences with the latter type because no matter what, you’re still going home with the same person you arrived with.)

[btw- when chatting with Joey later that day, he pointed out that my response should have been: “Yes.” ahhh! hindsight.]

As soon as I sent the message, I knew had sent the wrong one. ACK! And there was no way to get it back- it was floating out there in cyberspace, torpedoing my chance to have my way with this hot, young seminarian. I hung up with Steve and waited for Jason’s response… the wait was torturous.

After I had been awake for a couple of agonizing hours, Savannah called. When I caught her up to date, she agreed that I sent the wrong reply. UGH. All we could do is wait to see how Jason replied. Luckily, Savannah is my sister from another womb, so passing hours in conversation is easy for us. She was so kind to distract me from my mental flagellation.

Finally Jason’s response came in:

Certainly :-)

UGH!!! What kind of answer is that??? Now we were both becoming anxious trying to figure out how to resolve this situation (and hopefully lure him to my layer so I could have my way with him but still be able to face him in the hallway at school.)

Both Savannah and I had our share of conquests when were young thangs on the prowl but somehow she always seemed so much more… worldly. Savannah had this inner sexual confidence that I never embodied. I was sexually confident, but it was in a much more playful nature; Savannah is sensual. Additionally, while I was off the market for 15 years, Savannah continued to explore different facets of her sensual and sexual self. For this reason, it seemed that the two of us should be able to pull off text flirting, right? We decided that the best play at this point was to lay it all out there- to confess my intentions and see if I can achieve my goal.

fyi-in case you missed it, I was attempting to flirt with you.

I hit send and said a prayer… and waited.

and waited.

and waited.

“Shit! Savannah!! He’s not replying!! Shit! Oh no!! What have I done??”

“Calm down. It’s ok. Yes, you admitted to attempting to flirt but there is nothing wrong with that. There is no need to panic- even with the messages you sent, you can still face him in the hallway.”

“But…. true, I don't want to place myself in a socially awkward situation… but I’m horny!”

“Ok, there is got to be something you can do…”

“Ok, ok… maybe I could IM him? Damn. He’s not online. Wait! Penelope is online!”

“Who’s Penelope??”

“Penelope is dating Jason’s roommate Mark. She’d be a good person to ask for advice, right?”

Savannah wisely cautioned, “are you sure you want to share this ‘secret’ crush with her? Is she trustworthy?”

“Well, I haven’t known her long but there is something about her that I clicked with right away. I’d say yes, I can trust her.”

Now this is where I totally and completely return to Middle School. Picture this: I am laying on my bed with my feet up the headboard, Savannah on my land line in one ear and Penelope on my cell phone attached to the other ear. The only thing missing from the picture is teenie-bopper posters on the wall. I saw myself begin to walk down this path; I heard my inner, wiser self scream, “No!” But between my inner-child bouncing with glee and Savannah and Penelope (who were more than thrilled to live vicariously through me) giving me a friendly shove, there was no turning away from middle school.

They warn you to not drink and text

word of advice:

never text late at night, whether or not you have been drinking. In fact, it seems that horniness might get one into way more trouble than alcohol ever did.

Thursday nights I participate in a fellowship group which meets in the same apartment complex as the young man who is the object of my affection. At the end of our meeting, it took all my might to get in my car and not barge through his door, climb into his bed and have my way with him. Instead I met up with some friends at Trivia Night and then went home.

Savannah called as I walked in the door, so I confessed my struggle to overcome my primal urges. As the conversation progressed, we came up with the brilliant idea to flirt via text message. It took us thirty minutes to craft the perfect message. I thought I was so clever and alluring.

Hey. Was just thinking- you should blow off the party tomorrow and hang with me. :)

I sent the message, secretly hoping that he would respond immediately but knowing that I would most likely have to wait until the next day. Savannah was very kind to distract me with fabulous girl talk until the wee hours of the morning.

the second change in phases

my acupuncturist advised me today that I should be having sex regularly- that it is good for my constitution. (now to find a willing partner.)

Also, it occurred to me that I have officially passed into the 'thinking about dating" stage. I hope to pass into the "actually dating" stage eventually.

I dub thee Cougar Smurf

Me:

I realized this morning that I am WAY behind in my reading for the week (how did that happen??) so boy chasing and/ or catching has been called off temporarily. I am sure that I will still 'see' Jason, as we have many mutual friends, but I don't have time to bring him back to my lair and have my way with him- Maybe next week.

I do need to share Joey’s new nickname for me though: Cougar Smurf. :)

This is what happens when you allow a chemical engineer to give you relationship advice:

Savannah:

I chatted with Joey today and he enlightened me on the one half + 7 rule...that's a good one. Glad you eek in under the rule with this guy! (and how funny/not funny would it be if he knew 6 of your girlfriends and at least one guy friend were helping you plot your every move in relation to him!!! :) love it.

Me:

Joey says the formula doesn't work for girls to boys, only boys to girls... he's working on one for females... in the meantime, I'll stick with the 15 yr rule. (btw- I just did the math for Joey’s rule, and Jason wouldn't make the cut... doh. so we will stick to the 15 year rule.)

And if Jason can't handle me seeking wise counsel, then he can't handle me. ♥

Savannah:

Well I was thinking the same thing...that he will probably think its cute, IF he were to find out, because its SO "you"!

Miriam:

You do mean Joey the human, not Joe Joe the dog? :) ;) [my dog is named after Joey]

Me:

ok... if I start taking advice from a dog, we have too many problems to list. ;-)

Let the Games Begin

Husband advised: check

So let the boy chasing begin!

But I have to say that my resolve is waning... the celibacy thing is looking tempting again... but that will probably change back again in a moment.

Nonetheless, I shaved my legs and tried to find time in my rigorous academic schedule to “bump” into Jason. When that wasn’t successful, I invited everyone over to my place for Game Night at my place.

Before the guests arrived, I took a moment to shoot off a note to my wise council.

update, as promised:

Game night at my place tonight. I believe he is coming.

Just got off the phone with Joey and here is what he said:

            Joey: So you will be jumping him tonight?

            Me: no! I will not.

            Joey: So, you will be playing games with him tonight?

            Me: Yes! I will be playing Games with him tonight. (::wink, wink::)

            Joey: Ok, your goal for tonight is to set a time where it will be just you and he alone.

            Me: NO!!! that scares me.

            Joey: yes, that is your goal. I just set it.

            Me: You can't set goals for me!

            Joey: too bad, I just did.

So I am off to shower. I will report when I have something to report. ♥

 ----------------------------------------------------

Upon the conclusion of the evening I shot off another update:

Me:

I failed on Joey’s goal (which I am fine with.) But there was some quality flirting occurring.

Savannah:

Good...forget Joey's advice, your task is to honor yourself and take it as it comes! :)

Me:

hehe. yes. but the conversation was hilarious, I guess you had to be there. It's all good. I think of all the stages of 'love' this is my favorite: the flirting, pheromones flying, uncertainty, the twitterpation... I'm going to savor it. :)

Savannah:

Mine too! Yummy anticipation!! :)

Me:

exactly!

Full Disclosure

Technically I am still married to my husband. Because of the Post Lyme Syndrome I would be denied health insurance due to a pre-existing condition, a very expensive pre-existing condition. Lyme disease affects so many facets of my health, any health problem I have in the future could potentially be linked back to the Lyme’s and coverage would be denied. Luckily, my husband owns his own business and has excellent health insurance. And while he is a dumbass who makes bad decisions, he is not a bad guy; in fact, I would say he is quite honorable. In addition to remaining married to me so that I can have health insurance, he helped me move down to Atlanta. For this reason, I felt that I should advise him of my plans to potentially date. This is our conversation:

Me:

Hey. ….. I just wanted to let you know something directly from me before you heard it from the rumor mill. Um, I was thinking of maybe dating.

Husband:

Ok.

silence

Me:

So…. um…. any words of advice?

Husband:

Look both ways before crossing the street.

and that was my conversation with my husband about me potentially dating. true story.

The Wise Council responds.

the responses of love and support came pouring in:

Miriam replied:
Haha... So, my "are you getting your Cougar on" question was not soooooo far off the mark (joking, joking, you can't throw anything at me over the Internet!). Well, as the daughter of a mother who is older than her husband, and the granddaughter of a grandmother who was older than her husband, I say, go for it. Just be careful. But have fun!

Savannah replied:
Go for it!! That's my 2cents...just don't do anything stupid. (like marry him-aHem) I mean, OK, if after like 7 years you guys are soo happy and he is all that...then hey, fine, marry him.

Me:
You do realize that 7 years is longer than either of my marriages?

Gabriella:
Oh LaLa, go for it! Have fun and I promise if you even start to think or talk about marriage to come down to Georgia and kidnap you until you come to your senses! Be upfront and honest (like you could be any other way) and just have fun!!! Sending lots of good juju your way! I hope that you get those stirring feelings stirred! xoxo

Lillian:
There is nothing wrong at all about deepening your friendship with him. Friendships are based on honesty and communication :)

Me:
haha! "deepening" ::snicker::

Lillian:
you are SUCH a dork *grin*

Michelle:
Have fun sweetie! and I agree with Miriam, just be careful (ie: dont get pregnant) don't mean to be a wet blanket ;). I LOVE U, be true to yourself and enjoy. I am so thrilled for you to have those stirring feelings. ;).

Miriam:
You do realize we'll now want "reports from the field" :).

Michelle:
Yes, ditto that. :)

Me:
haha! you all are a bunch of dirty old ladies!!


And this would be the motivation behind this blog.

Fasten your seatbelts boys, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

To my dear, dear friends,

I am grateful beyond words for the love and support you have given me during this time of trial I have been experiencing. And I thank you in advance for what is about to come.

As many of you know, I have been in the pre-thinking about thinking about maybe dating phase for a couple of months. Uncertain of how long this phase should or would take, I just flowed along, as I usually do.

So here comes the reason I write- There is this boy (it always begins with a boy.) I believe I have mentioned Jason to almost all of you. And I know you have seen him- he is the cute blonde haired, blue eyed boy (yes, yes I play to type!) that appears in my pictures from fall semester.

ok- so I met him the very first week of classes and he caught my eye but I thought he was too young to actually consider (not age appropriate.) We always get along famously, and did I mention he is cute?

So, as it turns out he just makes the cut for age appropriate (14 years- which is less than the well established guidelines of 15 years). He is smart, and kind and kinda dotes on me (in a very appropriate kinda way.)

So, last night I was at game night at my friend Mark's place and it turns out that Jason is Mark's roommate. So it was all good and fun and all that and at the end of the evening after some folks had left and we were just chillin, he sat on the couch right next to me and was sending off the typical, 'I like you so I'll playfully tap your leg when you say something funny' kind of signals. At this point he thinks I am married, so it was well within respectable boundaries- how many times can I use 'appropriate' in one letter? And then the subject of nature of my marriage came up, so I told them (the few folks still hanging) the whole story.

So then it becomes apparent to me (I hope? Could I have imagined it?) that Jason now realizes that I might actually be available. When we hugged goodnight, I realized that he has a smokin' hot, solid body!

So, he is way too young to marry. And I **refuse** to marry the first guy I date this time. (I'm gonna come up with all new mistakes for the next time.) But he is kind, and I think would be really gentle with my fragile ego and heart. and did I mention the smokin hot body?? The one I have been thinking about all day? I actually have feelings (read: horniness) stirring for the first time in almost two years.

So it is either this, or I take a vow of celibacy and become a 'Bride of Christ' and live happily ever after with my cats. Either plan works for me.

::ducks and prepares for reaction::
what are your thoughts?

the first change in phases

When I finally decided to remove my head from the sand, I found myself in seminary filled with students with an average age of 28 and 60% of them married. What the heck was I thinking?? Yes, I know I came here for an education, but a girl has to have her fun at the same time too, right?

Right around New Years I decided to change phases: from “pre-thinking about thinking about dating” to “thinking about dating.” Why I chose that moment, I have no idea as it filled me with so much fear about the whole New Years kiss. I had visions of “When Harry Met Sally” running through my head, picturing the awkwardness that my change in phases created. (and yes, I constantly have clips of movies and tv shows running through my head in the background.) As it turned out, New Years Eve was a wonderful evening spent with friends and there was no awkwardness about kissing. phew- dodged that bullet.

As a woman with an active imagination, I decided that I needed to find an object of affection to daydream about. After careful (??) consideration, I selected an attractive seminarian who exactly fit my “type,” and was of a barely appropriate age. In order to avoid the pitfalls I have made in the past, I consulted my council of wise women. What follows is our correspondence.

Once upon a time...

We’ll start at the beginning, because that is always the best place to start… wait, ok- perhaps we should start at the beginning of this adventure…..

In 2005, I married the love of my life and became the fairytale princess of my own story. I had the most perfect pretty, pretty princess wedding. I lived on a 66 acre horse farm in the heart of Maryland horse country. I fox chased and went to steeplechase races and white tie balls. I was living the life I dreamed of as little girl playing with my Barbie dolls.

But like all fairytales, this story took a turn for the worse. I was struck down with Lyme Disease and was bedridden for a year and half. While bedridden I became a walking cliché- my husband cheated on me, with a girl exactly half his age, who was my good friend. In fact, she was more like my niece- I had known her since she was 15, and cared about her like she was my own family; I even allowed her to live with me when she came home from college on breaks. In hindsight, that was not such a great idea.

Devastated, I needed to breakaway, to start fresh. I decided to follow a lifelong dream to study religion at the graduate level. I left Maryland behind and set forth for Atlanta, Georgia and seminary.

My first semester I hid behind the technicality that I was married and just like the ostrich, buried my head deep in the sand and tried to not think about the significance of the situation that is my love life. But after a few months I decided to enter the “pre-thinking about thinking about dating phase.” I was very cautious about this as last time I fell into marriage too quickly.

Yes, I have the nasty habit of getting married. My favorite personal quote: “weddings are fabulous, I recommend having several.” I am currently in my second legal marriage (don’t get me started on the non-legal ones.) I went on my first date with my second husband the day after my first husband moved out. I had intended to take six months for myself before re-entering the dating world. However my friend Pattie had other plans and shoved me right into the deep end before I could even gasp for air. As I lay in the arms of my dream man, living my dream life, watching movies like “Under the Tuscan Sun” or “Must Love Dogs,” I thanked my lucky stars for not having to go through that. Diane Lane’s fictional characters imbued me with simultaneous fear and gratitude. I knew that I had dodged a bullet through Pattie's intervention in my love life, thereby allowing me to avoid the whole dating thing.

Yes, it is movies about the attractive, yet scorned, middle-age divorcee that rack me with fear.

Hence, the “pre-thinking about thinking about dating” phase. I spoke ad nauseum to my girlfriends about my concerns and fears. In the last fifteen years I had only kissed three fellas and I had been married to two of them. How was I going to date?? I was never good at dating to begin with- I spent more time chasing them than catching them. I tended to fall too quickly, both in and out of attraction. Love is a wild and wonderful roller coaster; I enjoy every climb, every loopty loop and every drop. But now I am approaching 40, is all this juvenile behavior still appropriate?